Blackmail
by Mind of the Childishly Naive
Summary: Random Hagaren drabbles, mostly RoyEd.
1. Blackmail

Blackmail

Roy couldn't believe he hadn't noticed it before.

How long had they been living together, now? Three months? So why hadn't this caught his attention before? Maybe he was just hearing things? That was doubtful, he didn't tend to hallucinate. Roy frowned and set his book down, straining to hear the new, strange sound over the running water. Roy got up quietly and walked to the bathroom door, pressing his ear to it and listening.

The sound was watery, but very clear:

"_I got sunshine,_

_On a cloudy day!"_

Roy choked back a laugh and returned to his chair, picking up his book again.

"_When it's cold outside,_

_I have the month of May."_

He wasn't hearing things.

"_I guess you'd say,_

_What could make me feel this way?"_

Edward sang in the shower.

"_My girl, my girl, my girl,_

_Talkin' 'bout my girl!"_

And Roy had blackmail.

(A/n) I just couldn't resist that. It _called _to me.

-Motcn


	2. Fort

-x-

Fort

-x-

"Hey, boss, I got something for you," Havoc said, reading the front of the folder addressed to 'Colonel Mustang' as he tapped on the door to his superior's office.

He simply let himself in after no reply came, assuming Roy was just taking his usual nap -- also knowing that Edward was away and he wouldn't walk in on anything too traumatic. The site that met him upon entering the room didn't shock him as much as it probably should have. He couldn't tell if Roy was asleep or not, but there on his desk, obscuring the Colonel from view, more than a week's worth of paperwork.

Crudely stacked in the shape… of a fort.

Havoc quirked an eyebrow at it. "Colonel, you in there?"

"Havoc!" Roy's familiar voice sounded from behind the shifty wall. "Leave; I'm busy."

"I see," the blonde said, thoroughly amused and nodding his blonde head at the Colonel's fort.

What could have been mistaken for an insane cackle echoed through the room. It came, uncharacteristically, from the Colonel, and Havoc fought off a laugh of his own as he crossed to the desk with the folder. A gloved hand snatched it from him just as soon as he handed it over the front wall, and he heard Roy's giddy laughter again.

"Excellent!" Roy cheered.

Havoc heard the folder being torn open and asked around his cigarette, "What is it, chief?"

"No idea." Roy cackled again. "But I've been needing to make this west side a bit taller," he finished, stacking a few more papers onto the wall to his right.

Breaking into a grin, Havoc shook his head and left, closing the door on his superior's manic laughter. The Colonel was going to be so unhappy (and bored) when Lt. Hawkeye was back from her sick leave.

-x-

"Sir, I'm back." Hawkeye said, turning the doorknob to the Colonel's office as she spoke. "I really hope you've actually being working and not…playing…" She trailed off as she stepped into the room, not sure if what she was seeing was real or her fever coming back from that cold.

Hawkeye heard what was unmistakably a startled gulp from behind the stronghold of paperwork and quirked an annoyed eyebrow. Two weeks of paperwork that she'd left the Colonel in hopes of it _getting done_ had been turned into an almost convincing fort. A stack of equal proportion was piled next to the Colonel's desk, and looked just as convincing.

She couldn't see who was behind the desk, but she knew exactly who it was when panicked whispering reached her ears just a moment after she'd entered the room.

"Boss, she's back...!"

"_Ssshhhh!_ she might not know we're here, yet."

"But, Colonel --"

"Just keep quiet, Havoc! Don't worry. My fort will protect us, even against the greatest of foes."

Stepping forward, Hawkeye pulled loose the file in the bottom corner of the front wall, causing the entire structure to go land-sliding over the edge of the Colonel's desk and knocking down the side building, as well. Roy's eyes bugged and Havoc sat, petrified, on the floor next to his desk among the scattered remains of their fortress.

The woman's eyes narrowed and she set the file she'd dislodged in the center of Roy's desk; it was the first file she'd given him before taking her leave two weeks before. Not another word was spoken, and Hawkeye calmly closed the door behind herself as she left the room. The two men elapsed into silence, then Roy glared pointedly at Havoc.

"I told you this was a bad idea!"

Havoc's jaw dropped.

-x-

(A/n) I couldn't help myself. My brain gushed this out in Biology Friday, and 'm just now getting it up. Oh, well, hope it made you laugh. Please review!

- Motcn


	3. Surprise

-x-

Surprise

-x-

The Colonel found a small box, hardly the size of his fist, on his desk when he went into work one morning.

Frowning, Roy picked it up and examined the tag attached. It read, 'Happy Birthday, Colonel' on one side, then on the other: 'We know it's what you've always wanted.' He glanced back at the closed door, a curious expression on his face. Today _was_ his birthday, and this was, obviously, from his subordinates. Roy's obsidian eyes narrowed slightly -- was this just some cruel way of mocking the fact that he was 30, now?

No. They weren't _that_ mean. Havoc would get a good kick out of it, but surely Hawkeye wouldn't have let him to anything (too) cruel. '_...what you've always wanted._' Intrigued, Roy tore the small box open like a child tearing into Christmas presents.

-x-

"Do you think he found it, yet?" Havoc whispered, ear pressed against the office door.

Breda shrugged, crouched below Havoc. "I dunno, it got real quiet."

"Maybe he didn't see it," Fuery offered from beside Breda.

"No," Falman replied, leaning over the others. "I put in right in the middle of his desk."

Hawkeye sighed and cast a glance over at the men crowded anxiously around the Colonel's door. "Just calm down," she said, gaining their attention, "I'm sure he's found it by now, just give him a moment."

They blinked at her, then turned to look at the clock on the far wall. Sure enough, just a few seconds later the Colonel's door swung open, startling all four men enough to make them jump back, emitting sounds of slight alarm. Roy fixed each of them with an even stare and held out in the palm of his hand the gift he'd unwrapped from the small box.

"Is this what I think it is?"

Hawkeye nodded. "Yes, Colonel. That's a stamp."

Roy blinked at her, then at the stamp in his hand with a baffled expression. Havoc, Breda, Fuery, and Falman immediately began to panic and rethink their gift of choice (they'd voted on it). _Does he not like his present...?_ Fuery thought, eyes tearing up.

_I'll bet he's pissed because we remembered he turned _30_ today...!_ Breda eyed the Colonel carefully, ready to dash out of the room if need be.

Falman frowned. _Maybe we should have pitched in more and got something a little bigger..._

_I knew we should have boxed Shorty up,_ Havoc thought, nervously chewing on his cigarette.

Everyone present jumped when the main door suddenly burst open, revealing said 'shorty' and his younger brother. Edward grinned cheerfully -- obviously not seeing Havoc nearly swallow his cigarette (_Shit, he heard me!..._) -- and walked up to Roy, saying, "Y'know I almost left on my mission this morning without wishing you a happy birthday, Roy!" He playfully slapped Roy on the arm. "So, how's it feel being Over-the-Hill, old man?"

Jaws dropped. Everyone in the room, including Hawkeye, stared, eyes saucer-wide, at the eldest Elric, who maintained a cheerful grin, even as the Colonel's glaring eyes bored into the boy's very soul.

Silence fell upon the room.

No one moved.

Roy's birthday present smacked into Edward's forehead with lightening speed, causing the short blonde to stumble backwards and clutch at his head. Roy continued to glare at him, stamp held tightly in his fist. When Ed, face turning red with anger, let go of his head and glared back up at Roy with an indignant shout of "_What the hell was that for!"_, the Colonel broke into a wide grin.

He turned to his subordinates with tears in his eyes, promptly ignoring the seething blonde beside him, and said in a choked voice, "Thank you...! I'll never have to actually sign another form again!"

The tension in the room eased; Havoc and the others were relieved that the Colonel could find more than one use for a stamp that read: 'Roy Mustang'. Not only could it be used on the mountains of paperwork he refused to sign, but it could also be used as a labeler for everything that was his.

Including Edward Elric.

-x-

(A/n) Today's my birthday, so make with the merry, people! Please review~

- Motcn


	4. Cheater

-x-

Cheater

-x-

Roy frowned when Edward's red hair-tie fell onto the kitchen table.

He blinked at it, then narrowed his eyes at the younger alchemist. Ed sat across the table with his hair down, now, clad in only his boxers and looking none too pleased about the fact that his lover was still completely clothed. He fidgeted under Roy's unrelenting stare and scowled, muttering, "It counts." The Colonel shrugged, deciding to let it slide -- there was no point in arguing.

Ed would just quit if he did and this was becoming quit amusing. Roy started shuffling the deck of cards, but stopped when Edward held out his left hand for them, frowning.

"No, let me do it this time; I think you're cheating." Sighing, Roy handed over the cards without a word. Edward huffed, glad he got his way, and shuffled, then dealt out the cards. Three minutes later, he slammed his metal fist down on the table. "Dammit, Roy, you're cheating!" he yelled in dismay.

"From what Alphonse tells me," Roy said calmly, unperturbed by his chibi lovers outburst, "_You're_ the one that cheats at card games." He smirked when Edward squirmed and tilted his head to the side. "Sort of hard to cheat a strip poker, isn't it, Edward?"

The blonde glared at him. "I don't cheat," he said indignantly.

"Of course not," Roy said, as if speaking to a child, getting an angry growl out of Edward. The Colonel simply lifted a dark eyebrow. "You're still wearing your boxers, Ed."

Edward didn't move. He sat, fuming in his chair, glaring daggers at the man on the other side of the table, his face red. Roy waited patiently for the tantrum that was sure to come, the smirk on his face, he was sure, did nothing to calm the blonde across from him.

"Fine!" Ed yelled suddenly, getting up and tugging off his boxers. "You win! I'm going to bed!"

He threw his boxers in Roy's face and stomped, nude, out of the kitchen. Roy grinned at Edward's retreating form, but his face fell when he heard the bedroom door slam shut and the lock click into place. He muttered a curse, fidgeting with his lover's boxers as he got out of his chair. Sure he'd won the card game, but Edward had won in the end. _Sore looser,_ Roy thought grudgingly, scowling as he flopped down on the couch.

-x-

(A/n) Short, but funny. This was a challenge from KouTai, so go, hurry, and thank her for fueling my brain into writing it by reviewing the challenge fic she wrote for me. (also review here!)

-Motcn


	5. Playful

-x-

Playful

-x-

Edward could be playful when he wanted to.

Today, apparently, was one of his playful days, and Roy was in no mood. Something at HQ had called for his immediate attention early this morning -- before the damn sun had even _thought _about rising -- and Roy had just gotten back home and was sleeping peacefully when his blonde lover decided that the proper way to wake him was by throwing all his weight into it. Roy grunted in annoyance, curling halfway into a sitting position, when Edward landed heavily on his stomach.

"Roy," Ed called, straddling the man's hips. "Are you awake, yet?"

"Nn, ge'off, 'm sleepin'," Roy said thickly, blindly pushing at him.

Edward whined low in his throat -- a noise Roy usually enjoyed hearing, but, now, it made his ears bleed -- and slowly stretched out on top of his lover, sliding his arms under the pillows on either side of Roy's head. "The sun's been up for an hour and you're _still_ in bed," he murmured, licking Roy's cheek. "How long do you plan on sleeping?"

"All day," Roy grumbled, eyes still closed as he brought a hand up to push Edward's face away. He twitched and opened his eyes, though, when Ed bit his finger, barely hard enough to hurt. Roy tried to pull his hand away, but Edward bit down harder and he heaved a tired sigh. "Edward, I'm _tired_."

"I know," Ed said, almost pouting as he released Roy's finger.

Roy quickly pulled his hand out of the way, closing his eyes and laying his head back against the pillow. "You're not going to move, are you?" he asked after a silent moment, during which Edward affectionately rubbed their noses together.

Shaking his head, Edward smiled. "Nope. I'm comfortable right here," he said, squirming on top of Roy in what would normally have been a very affective manner.

Now, however, Roy just sighed and muttered, "Fine. Just quit wiggling."

Undeterred by this, Edward leaned down and pressed his lips to Roy's, biting down on the man's lower lip when he didn't respond. Roy made an incoherent noise that was further muffled by Ed's mouth against his own. He didn't push the boy away -- he was too tired for that -- but he only half-returned the kiss, letting Edward's tongue explore his mouth without too much action on his part.

When Roy was finally released for air, he gave Ed a withering glare, but the blonde only smirked at him. "What?" Edward asked innocently, lightly nipping at Roy's jaw, "I stopped wiggling, didn't I?"

Another sigh. "You did." He closed his eyes again, unconsciously tilting his head to the side when his lover started kissing his neck. Roy made a face, however, when Edward bit him _again_, below his jaw. "Now, stop _biting_ me," he growled, getting annoyed now.

Edward chuckled, biting the tender flesh of his neck a little harder this time. "What if I don't want to?" he purred, teasing the spot with his tongue, then leaving another bite just below it.

"I can't sleep with you _doing _that," Roy muttered, trying to shrug Ed off. He'd hardly slept at all last night and, dammit, he wanted to sleep, _now_, while he could. "What're you biting me for, anyway?"

"Because I want to," Edward said, pulling the collar of Roy's shirt aside to give his shoulder the same attention as his neck.

"Well, stop it, or I'll bite you back," Roy threatened seriously, frowning when he realized that's probably what Edward wanted.

_Damn hormonal teenager,_ Roy thought, rolling over suddenly and trapping the blonde between himself and the bed. Edward made an indignant noise when he was squished into the mattress and tried to push at Roy's chest. "Roy...! Get off," he said, squirming uncomfortably; Roy snorted.

"What if I don't want to?" he mimicked, amused when Ed growled.

"I mean it, you're crushing me," he snapped, hardly able to move because of all the bigger man's weight pressing down on him.

"And you're annoying," Roy shot back, "You wouldn't quit _biting_ me, so now you can lay there while I get some sleep."

"You can't be serious, Roy," Ed whined, frustrated.

"I'm dead serious," he replied, burying his face in his lovers hair and wrapping his legs around Ed's to keep him from kicking -- Ed's arms were trapped between Ed and himself. "Now, leave me alone. The longer you keep me awake, the longer you stay there."

-x-

(A/n) I have no idea where this came from, but it was keeping me awake at night. lol

-Motcn


	6. Go

-x-

Go

-x-

Roy frowned when Edward dropped a stack of papers onto his desk.

"This isn't your mission report, Fullmetal," the Colonel said, obsidian eyes scanning the first page.

Edward nodded, averting his own eyes with a sour expression. "Yeah, it's in there," he said, waving a gloved hand at the papers in Roy's hand. "Just sign that so I can get going. There are some rumors further south that Al and I want to check out about the Philosopher's Stone."

Roy nodded and grabbed a pen off his desk. "You just got back the other day," he pointed out, scrawling his signature on the empty line at the bottom of the page. "How long do you plan on being gone?"

"A... couple of weeks."

Frowning at the hesitant tone, Roy looked up and quirked an eyebrow. "How many is a couple?" he questioned, brow creasing when the blonde only shuffled his unequal feet. "Fullmetal. How many is 'a couple of weeks'?"

Edward scowled at the wall to his left and muttered, "A month... or two, actually."

It was Roy's turn to scowl, but he directed his towards the short alchemist on the other side of his desk. "You mean two or three weeks," he corrected, pointing his pen at Edward when the boy glared at him and started to object. "You have other important things to do around here, Fullmetal. Besides, you said 'a couple of weeks' and two is a couple."

Edward scowled and snapped, "Need longer that two weeks, Colonel."

"I said two or three. That gives you plenty of time," Roy said, returning to his mountain of paper work. "You're dismissed, Fullmetal."

"Fine," Ed huffed, turning towards the door and waving a hand over his shoulder, "See you in a two or three months, Colonel."

Roy's head snapped up. "I said weeks, not months."

Edward shrugged, grabbing onto the door. "Really? All I heard was the two or three part, and I was asking for months," he said airily.

"If you're gone longer than three weeks, I'll have you court martialed," Roy said, eyes narrowing at Edward's sudden angry expression.

The boy glared at his superior. "Go ahead," he snapped, yanking the door open, "I'm sure the higher ups would just _love_ to here about all the times you've molested me in your office!"

Roy bristled as the younger man slammed the door shut, and yelled, "You were willing ever time and you know it!"

He heard a loud, shrewd "_Ha!"_ from Edward on the other side of the door, "That still makes you a pedophile, you dirty old man!"

"I'm not an old man, midget!" Roy yelled back.

The other office door slamming was his only reply and he sat, seething at his desk until Hawkeye brought in another stack of papers seconds later. She set the papers on his desk and smiled knowingly at Roy's disgruntled form as he scribbled his name on something. "You just hate to see him go, don't you, Colonel?"

Roy snorted and kept working.

-x-

(A/n) To mah Lil' sister for her birthday. Please review~

- Motcn


	7. Cute

-x-

Cute

-x-

Edward shuddered as he pulled the door open.

Stepping out of the harsh, cold November wind and immediately shedding his military issued coat, Ed tossed it onto the coat rack next to a much larger one and tugged off his boots. His socks came off next, then Edward quickly padded down the hallway to the lamp-lit bedroom, loving the feel of both his bare feet against Roy's hardwood floor.

"How are you feeling?" Edward asked, entering the room to find his older lover kicked back in the bed with a book in hand.

He hopped up onto the bed, sitting on his knees and pressing a kiss to Roy's cheek. Roy smirked and shrugged a shoulder, closing his book. "Much better than I did this morning," he said, "My fever's come down. I think it was a cold or something."

Edward held a hand up to Roy's forehead, as if to make sure he wasn't fibbing to ease Ed's concern. "I'm glad," he said, sitting back when he was satisfied that Roy did, indeed, have a decent temperature. Then he fixed his lover with an annoyed pout. "I couldn't concentrate all day for worrying about you, bastard. Hawkeye nearly shot me because I kept calling to make sure you hadn't puked out your guts."

"I know, the phone kept waking me up," Roy commented lightly, a small smile on his face at Edward's guilty expression.

"I'm sorry," the blonde said, shifting and fixing Roy with a glare, "I wouldn't have worried so much if you hadn't made me go into work today."

Roy quirked an eyebrow. "Well, one of us had to, or Hawkeye might have come in and killed us both. Besides," he murmured, slinging an arm around Edward's shoulders and pulling him closer, "You're cute when you worry."

The younger man blushed, despite the scowl on his face at being called cute (which everyone knew was a word more commonly used to describe a girl). "Whatever. I'm going to take a shower," Edward muttered, tugging his hair out of its short ponytail as he slid off the bed and out of Roy's reach.

Roy chuckled as his chibi lover stomped into the bathroom and picked up his book again. _He's cute when he's angry, too,_ the Colonel thought absently, flicking to the page he'd last stopped on.

-x-

(A/n) Dunno where it came from, but I like it. I'm feelin kinda fluffed-out right now, so enjoy.

-Motcn


	8. Pinch Me

-x-

Pinch Me

-x-

"Ouch!" Edward yelped upon receiving a sharp pinch to his hindquarters.

He spun around, glaring at his assailant and blushing lightly when he turned and saw Roy Mustang smirking down at him. The red tingeing Edward's face could have easily been mistaken for anger. "What the _hell_, you bastard?"

"You're not wearing anything green, Fullmetal," the Colonel replied.

Edward scowled at him, having forgotten about the St. Patrick's Day tradition on pinching the hell out of anyone not decked out in the same color as a tree. The blonde quickly scanned over his superior's usual military uniform and his scowl intensified as he snapped, "You're not wearing green, either!" He reached a hand out, intending to get revenge, but was stopped and forced to look down when Roy lightly kicked him in the shins. He growled when he noticed the green strung through Roy's boots.

"My shoe laces are green today," Roy said, tapping his heel against the floor and smirking at Edward's enraged glare. He pinched and tugged at the boy's cheek as he turned down the hall. "Have fun today, Fullmetal."

-x-

Edward was _not_ 'having fun', as the Colonel had so crudely put it.

He had spent a majority of the morning dodging around the halls of HQ, being poked and pinched every time someone noticed he wore his usual attire and nothing green. Even in the library, where he had hoped to find some peace, he had been attacked, then reprimanded by the librarians and booted from the library for screeching at the top of his lungs at the first person that found it amusing to call him a _leprechaun_.

That was just _one_ the indignities that he had suffered.

Early afternoon found the Fullmetal Alchemist seething alone in the cafeteria, pissed expression daring _anyone_ to crack a short joke, or pinch him again. Said expression was quickly turned on Havoc, Fuery and Breda as the three men approached the table Edward sat at. It wasn't until the other blonde had taken a seat in front of him that Edward noticed the glass in Havoc's hand.

"We've been looking for you, Ed," Havoc said, grinning, pushing the glass of green? liquid towards the alchemist, "Try this; see if you like it."

Ed frowned, nose wrinkling as he stared at the drink presented. "What is it?" he asked suspiciously, taking the glass in his hand and sloshing the colored fluid around a bit. "And what did you do to it?"

"We didn't do anything to it," Breda said, sounding hurt and waving a hand at it, "It's just a drink."

Curiosity getting the best of him, Edward gave it only a moment's thought before hesitantly raising the glass to his lips. He immediately regretted it, and choked on the familiar, _disgusting_, liquid, spitting it out and accidentally showering Havoc with the green drink.

"It's _milk!_" Ed screeched, wiping his mouth with his sleeve, face contorted in outright disgust at the taste lingering in his mouth.

Havoc blankly stared at him, somehow unhappy with the way this exchange had gone as he glared down at the damp cigarette that had fallen from his lips. "It's milk," he admitted blatantly.

"It's _green!_"

Fuery nodded timidly. "Food coloring," he explained, then quickly added, "Colonel Mustang told us to."

The left side of Edward's face twitched. "Did he _really_?" he growled, pushing himself up and storming out of the cafeteria.

Breda frowned at the retreating blonde, then tossed a look at Fuery. "The milk thing was _your_ idea," he said, pointing at the forgotten glass of milk as the smaller man nodded.

"Yeah, I just... didn't want him to kill me..."

-x-

_If Mustang isn't in his office, then where the _hell_ is he?_ Edward thought, glaring into the empty room.

He suddenly saw every mental image he had conjured of bashing that man's face into the desk breaking into a million disappointed pieces. Ed was so angry that he didn't hear the soft footsteps coming up behind him, and wasn't aware of the others' presence until his butt received another sharp pinch.

Edward yelped, startled, and jumped forward, shooting daggers at the grinning Colonel standing behind him. "Why the hell do you keep pinching my ass?" the blonde snapped angrily, facing Roy.

"You're still not wearing green," Roy commented.

"My _boxers_ are green, you stupid _bastard_," Edward lied hatefully, scowling when Roy quirked an eyebrow.

"Are they?" Roy asked curiously, stepping towards the younger as Ed simultaneously stepped back and hooking two fingers into the waistband of Edward's pants. All the blood in Edward's body seemed to rush up into his face as Roy pulled him forward, tugging down his pants just a bit so Ed's boxers would be visible. The Colonel smirked at the blonde's flustered expression, fingering the rim of Edward's blue boxers. "Liar."

Ed frowned and opened his mouth to speak, but his breath hitched in his throat when Roy tugged him even closer and slid his hand further into his pants, fingers tracing light circles over Ed's bare abdomen. "It was a good way to get me into your pants, Edward," Roy murmured, lips _almost_ brushing Ed's as he spoke, fingers inching lower. Edward felt his heart thumping painfully in his chest, and the heat rushing to his face, among other places. Roy, however, smirked and pulled away. "But you can think of better."

Then he disappeared into his office, and it was a moment before Edward released the breath of air he hadn't realized he'd been holding. He stared across the room, uncomprehending what had happened, then, when he did, he turned and glared over his shoulder at the closed door of Roy's office. That bastard! _I'll get him back,_ Edward swore to himself, glaring as he stomped, rather stiffly, out of the office. _Not now, but soon!_

-x-

Roy shut the door to his house behind him, stepping into the living room and stretching pleasantly as he kicked off his green-laced boots. He started to head for the kitchen, intending to find something to eat, but paused at a loud knock at the front door. Frowning, Roy walked back to the door and pulled it open, frown deepening when he saw Edward glaring up at him. The boy didn't say anything as he looked right down at Roy's feet, then his metal hand shot out and pinched Roy's arm painfully.

"Hope that bruises, you bastard," Ed spat vindictively, turning away as Roy held his arm.

-x-

(A/n) St. Patty's Day fic. It's so unbelievably corny, but I found it amusing! ha

- Motcn


	9. Domesticated

-x-

Domesticated

-x-

Roy Mustang was a slob.

That was the only word he could find to properly describe the state the Flame Colonel kept his house in. Since Roy had lived alone right up until a few weeks ago, the thought to keep his house clean had clearly not crossed his mind. It wasn't so much _dirty_, though, as it was _cluttered,_ and it bothered the hell out of Edward Elric. He had asked Roy (nicely, mind you) to pick up three or four times already, and Roy's exact words had been: "I'll get around to it."

That meant 'never', which, in turn, meant that Ed was on his own.

Alphonse was in Resembool with Winry, Roy was at the office -- probably sleeping or slacking off _there_, too, the bastard -- and Edward stood outside their bedroom, glaring in at the mess. He'd tied a very _pink_ apron around his waist to clean, and his hair had been pulled back out of it's usual braid and into a ponytail to keep it out of the way when he took on the grueling task ahead.

Clothes -- mostly Roy's -- were scattered across the bedroom floor and hanging from dresser drawers; the closet door was open, revealing the Colonel's neatly pressed military uniforms, to Edward's great surprise, and the small desk in front of the window was covered with papers, envelopes, and books. The adjoining bathroom was hardly in better shape, and neither was the library and living room downstairs. The kitchen, however, was void of even food, since Roy mostly ordered out because of his own horrible cooking.

Yes. Edward had his work cut out for him. _And I'm only doing this shit once,_ he swore to himself, stooping to pick up an armload of clothes and dumping them into the hamper he'd brought upstairs. He didn't care if they were clean or not, they were in the floor and they were going to be washed. And the majority of Roy's wardrobe was, indeed, in the floor. Edward scowled as he carried the (_completely full_) hamper downstairs a few minutes later.

"This is ridiculous," he muttered, but at least he could see the bedroom floor, now.

Finishing the laundry, Ed headed back into the bedroom. He sorted through Roy's dresser, making room for his own clothes as well as putting Roy's in the right places instead of just randomly shoving them into drawers, like his lover obviously had. Once that was done, Edward shut the closet door -- there wasn't anything wrong in there -- and moved over to the desk.

He grabbed a handful of papers, intending to go through and organize all of it (he was _not_ a perfectionist, it would just be easier to _find_ things that way), but a name scrawled on the first page caught his eye.

Jessica.

Following the name was an address, time, and date. Edward frowned, amber eyes scanning the other pages as he sifted through the stack in his hands. It was the exact same thing on every other paper, though some went into more detail: name of restaurants, hotels, topics of conversation, etc.

"What the hell is this stuff?" he asked the empty room, dropping the papers onto the desk and reaching for a thick notebook with loose leafs and tabs sticking out of it. He flipped through it as well, scowling until he suddenly remembered his travel log. "Ooh." His eyes widened in realization.

Edward blinked and, slowly this time, went back and read through the notebook again. _Of course_, he thought, feeling stupid. This was how Roy kept up his alchemy research and such. Closing the notebook, Ed put it, and the papers, back exactly as he'd found them, thinking Roy wouldn't want him messing around with it and also not wanting to screw up the (rather unique) sorting system his lover had. _If he even _has_ one..._

Shrugging it off, he decided to leave this particular mess and move on to another.

In the living room, Edward picked up stray clothes and books, neatly stacked papers on the coffee table, and, much to his dismay, found two full whiskey bottles hidden in one of the table cabinets. _Well, they're not empty, so I guess that's a good thing..._ Ed thought spitefully, pouring the two alcoholic beverages down the kitchen sink. Holding a few books under his arm, the blonde scoured the house to make sure Roy hadn't stashed anymore liquor.

He didn't really care if his lover got angry with him for getting rid of it. Drinking was a bad habit -- plus it tasted _awful_ (not that Ed would know, of course, he was underage) -- and Roy wasn't going to do it as long as they shared a home.

Thankfully, Edward found nothing else that he'd later have to reprimand Roy for, and he sighed as he stepped into Roy's library. He took his time scanning the bookcases lining two of the four walls, and the four that stood back-to-back in the middle of the room, looking for the books' rightful places on the shelves. Edward frowned, though, when he noticed that, just like in the bedroom, Roy had just randomly stuffed the shelves -- that, or he had been way too busy to put them back.

"I'm gonna kick his ass," Ed muttered, setting the books under his arm on a table and glaring at the bookshelf before him.

After a moments thought, and a quick glance at the clock, Edward started pulling books off the shelves. (He was _not_ a perfectionist, dammit.) He composed neat piles of the books, depending on what kind they were, such as certain types of alchemy, military records, and such, and he made _sure_ they were all in alphabetical order. Within two hours, he had the entire library stripped down to the last book. Every shelf was bare, and there were a great many stacks scattered about the room.

Another hour or so later, Edward had all the books back in their proper places on the shelves.

Quite ironically, all of the books the Colonel had that Edward would have found useful had been on the very top shelves. Ed had dragged a chair in from the kitchen -- he could hardly _touch_ the top shelf with the tips of his fingers, even if he stood on his toes -- and, not just out of spite, had put those books on the lower shelves. _I'll bet he did that on purpose,_ Edward thought, sliding the last book into its place on the shelf, then stepping back to admire his handiwork.

_Now for the actual _cleaning_ part,_ Edward thought, suddenly unhappy with his resolution.

The actual sweeping, mopping, dusting, scrubbing windows, bathrooms, and walls, getting in every nook and cranny _cleaning_. Resolved to completely finish the task he'd woke up for this morning, Edward forced out a sigh and set out to find the broom.

-x-

Something was wrong with his house.

Roy frowned deeply as he stood in the doorway, brow knitted in confusion. He had no sooner closed the door behind himself than he noticed it. It _smelled_ different. When he left for work this morning, his house had smelled normal. Now, however, it smelled like oranges, or, maybe some other kind of fruit, he wasn't sure, but it _definitely_ hadn't smelled this way before.

"Edward," he called, pulling off his coat and kicking off his boots, automatically assuming the temperamental blonde had something to do with the strange (though not unpleasant) smell of his home.

Trudging down the hall in his socks, Roy was startled out of his mind when his foot slipped right out from under him on the hardwood floor. Flailing his arms around in a mad attempt to grab onto something, Roy crashed to the floor (very comically to anyone watching) and landed flat on his ass. _What the hell,_ he thought, wincing and slowly getting to his feet again, steadying himself by pressing a hand firmly against the wall.

Something was wrong with his floor, too!

"Edward, what did you do?" Roy asked loudly, scowling when he didn't get a response and jerking off his socks so he didn't land on his rear end again.

Poking his head into the living room, Roy blinked when he saw Edward keeled over the arm of the couch, a mop in the hand that dangled limply over the side of the couch, one leg stretched out aimlessly on the coffee table. Roy bit back a laugh at Ed's clothes -- he had on light blue slacks and a white tank top under the pink? apron -- and quietly approached the snoring blonde.

_He cleaned the whole house,_ Roy realized, looking around the spotless living room, then crouching down and tugging the mop out of Edward's hand. He propped the mop against the back of the couch and slid an arm under Ed's knees and shoulders, thinking the boy must be tired (it _was_ pretty late) as he lifted him up. Edward groaned and shifted a bit, but otherwise remained asleep and snuggled his face against the collar of Roy's uniform.

Smiling to himself, marveling at how light Edward was for his age despite the metal limbs, Roy carried him upstairs to put him to bed.

_Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric  
Domesticated Since 1915_

-x-

(A/n) I couldn't help myself. I think it's cute, and that domesticated thing has been wedge in my brain for a while, now. xD Finally glad I could get it out, there.

-Motcn


	10. Fools

-x-

Fools

-x-

Something was wrong with Edward.

Roy couldn't help but notice that his lover had been acting strange. Avoiding his office all day, only popping in every now and then, looking as if he had something to say, but Ed would loose his nerve at the last second and run from the room. More than once Ed had opened the door, stepped inside, then backed out and snapped it shut again, leaving Roy to blink at the sound of his hurried retreat.

This little game persisted until well into the afternoon, and Roy was starting to loose his patience. There were still a few good hours left before Hawkeye would let him go home and he'd actually been signing paperwork for lack of something better to do. Roy was blankly staring at the wall, clutching a coffee mug, when that 'something better to do' came into his office for the billionth time that day.

Expecting Edward to dart from the room like he had every other time, Roy simply watched as Ed crossed the room, a steeled expression on the blonde's face as he stopped in front of the Colonel's desk. Quirking an eyebrow, Roy made to sip his coffee, asking mildly, "Something wrong, Edward?"

"I'm pregnant."

Roy promptly choked on his coffee.

Simultaneously, a camera flashed from the doorway and Maes Hughes fled, cackling, from the room, leaving the two alchemists in silence -- save the Colonel's confused, incoherent sputtering as the meaning of his chibi lover's words sunk in. Roy coughed into his fist a few good times before attempting to speak. "Edward, you can't... be serious!" he choked out, eyes watering from nearly spewing coffee out his nose, "That's not... that's just not possible. You're _male_, you can't..."

He trailed off as Edward scratched the base of his braid, looking almost guilty. "I was doing some alchemy experiments on myself a couple of months ago," he murmured, amber eyes averted, "I meant... to tell you." Roy's mouth dropped open when Edward suddenly grinned at him. "April fools."

Another flash from Hughes' handy camera caught Roy's eyes rolling back into his head as he slipped out of his chair, clutching his chest.

-x-

(A/n)I woke up this morning, obliviously turned over my Hagaren calendar, and April Fool's Day attacked me like some kind of starved, fang-toothed wild animal. So, I retaliated by whipping up this drabble! x3 Hope you liked it.

- Motcn


	11. Mutual

-x-

Mutual

-x-

Edward had started it.

Somehow, during one of his spastic, angry fits of rage about the Colonel already knowing _every little detail _of his mission, and demanding not to be called pipsqueak, or any other variant of _short_, Edward had ended up on Roy's side of the desk. Shaking the older man by his uniform, eyes squeezed shut, the words, "I love you, you stupid, useless, bastard!" had randomly been forced from between the blonde's lips as his inexperienced mouth crashed down against Roy's.

Roy hadn't even time to react; as quickly as it had happened, it came to a screeching halt.

Edward's eyes flew open and he shoved himself backwards out of the Colonel's lap, fingers twisting out of the front of Roy's uniform. Edward averted his eyes, face beat red with shame and embarrassment as he muttered apologies, shaking with the weight of his confession. He hadn't meant to say it. Panicked, Edward made to retreat, but was stopped when Roy grabbed the sleeve of his jacket.

Ed tried to pull his arm free of Roy's persistent grasp, even as the Colonel turned Ed around to face him. "Don't you _dare_ make fun of me. I'll kill you." Ed's voice shook, angry, now, at himself as well as Roy, for stealing his affections and mocking him over it. He refused to meet the older man's gaze as Roy tightly held both of his arms to keep him from fleeing.

"Where you serious about what you said?" Roy asked quietly, brow creasing when Edward stared determinedly at the desk and piles of paper work. Leaning forward in his chair, he tugged the boy closer despite Ed's struggle to pull back and sincerely said, "The feeling's mutual, you know."

Edward, however, stiffened and glared at him. "Dammit, I said not to make fun of me!" he yelled, resentful tears stinging his eyes.

He squeezed them shut, clenched fists shaking at his sides as Roy lightly pressed his lips against Ed's. "I wasn't making fun, Edward," he murmured truthfully, feeling the shaking in Edward's arms slowly lessen.

Roy smirked, nudging his nose against Ed's to get him to open his eyes. When he finally caught a glimpse of (still wary) amber eyes, Roy slid his hands down Edward's arms and grabbed his hands, pulling the blonde into their first actual kiss. Edward's previous, sloppy attack on his mouth hadn't really counted, but that's definitely what had started it.

-x-

(A/n) Hm. Sort of OOC, but it's cute atleast. Please review!

-Motcn


	12. Chandelier

-x-

Chandelier

-x-

"The trap door is on the ceiling..."

Edward grimaced at his brother's words and turned the angry look from the wall they'd come across to the chapel-like towering ceiling above his head. It was few good feet up there... _Why the hell would that be on the _ceiling_, of all places,_ Ed ranted to himself, fuming as he scowled at the metal handle bar sticking out above him.

Alphonse could have sworn he saw, smoke coming out his brother's ears, and the giant suit of armor shied away from Ed's progressively worsening mood. They had just arrived back in Central -- been there hardly two days -- when the Colonel had assigned Edward a new mission.

"_It has to be done soon, Fullmetal,"_ Roy had said.

Of course, Edward knew that was code for, 'Leave, now, and get it over with so you can come back and spend some _quality_ time with me.' They left the very next day. Ed had endured the _comfy_ train ride, tracked down the alchemist in question, then chased said bad guy down to this dead-end hallway.

Edward Elric was _not_ in the best of moods.

"Alright, Al," he said suddenly, turning to look determinedly at Alphonse. "Gimme a boost; I'm going in."

Alphonse hesitated -- he knew Ed didn't have a plan and was just winging it for winging it's sake, but... there was no point in trying to persuade him otherwise. Sighing, "Alright, Brother," Al cupped his fingers together and crouched down. Edward placed his foot firmly in Al's hands and was boosted into the air. They'd done this many times before, so aim was dead on and Ed clamped both hands firmly on to the bar some odd feet above his younger brother.

Alphonse wasn't the least bit surprised to look up and find Ed dangling limply from the ceiling. _He looks like a chandelier, now..._ he thought, sighing quietly to himself.

"Brother, what were you thinking?" he asked, hands planted on his hips as he stared.

The blonde sort of pouted, glaring up the length of his arms at the trap door's outline. "I... thought I could use my weight to pull the door open, but..."

Al would have given a sheepish smile at that, had he been able, but he _did_ tap his forefingers together and hunch his shoulders a bit, trying to look apologetic. "Well, I hate to say it, Brother, but you -- you really don't weigh that much..." he stuttered nervously, and waited for the twitch/stiffen glare his brother shot him.

And then came the rant:

"Who're you callin' so small and insignificant he can't even pass for a paper weight on the useless Colonel's desk?" he screamed, holding fast to the bar with his right hand and flailing every other limb he could spare in a childish spat of anger.

Ed fumed a while longer, Al waiting patiently below and not saying a word -- no point in telling Edward that he was just over-reacting. Finally, the blonde was hanging one-handed from the bar and looking every bit the chandelier again.

"Are you done?" Alphonse asked after a moment of peace.

"…Yeah," came the hesitant response.

"How are you going to get down?"

Ed frowned. "I didn't think about that," he muttered grudgingly, "But this mission was a bust. Let's just go back to Central..."

-x-

(A/n) I wrote this around 3:30-4ish in the morning, so it's a bit cracky. And I know. I haven't updated in _forever_. I apologize for it. The end of Hagaren sort of killed my spark and I haven't been feeling particularly creative lately.

-Motcn


	13. Under Cover

-x-

Under Cover

-x-

"I don't think so," Edward said, deadpan, glaring daggers at the red, ol'timey dress the Colonel presented.

Hawkeye sighed, shuffling through papers on her desk. "I told you he wouldn't do it, Colonel," she said, sparing the man a side-ways glance as Havoc grumbled and slapped money into Breda's palm.

Frowning, Roy glanced between Ed and the dress for a moment, before clearly stating, "It's an _order_ Fullmetal." He thrust the dress out towards the young blonde, who scowled. "It's an under cover mission, and you're the only one young enough--" He smoothly avoided saying 'short'. "--to be considered a child."

Amber eyes narrowed in his direction, and Roy couldn't help but think that Edward knew there was a masked reference to his height in there somewhere. The blonde alchemist only huffed, though, and crossed his arms over his narrow chest. "To hell with your orders, Mustang," he snapped angrily, "You're not getting me in that dress."

"30 says the boss gets him within five minutes," Havoc muttered to Breda, hoping to win his money back.

Breda snorted. "You're on. Ed won't put that thing on to save his life."

"You guys shouldn't be betting on this," Fuery whispered nervously, but both men ignored him.

There was nothing left to do but watch the fun.

The Colonel stared at Edward for a long moment, brow creased slightly as if in thought. Ed scowled at him defiantly. "I'm _not_ wearing that," he repeated, taking a startled step back when Roy advanced on him. "Wh--what the hell, you bastard?" he sputtered, blushing madly as Roy grabbed the front of his shirt and pushed his red jacket off his shoulders.

The dress was tossed unceremoniously onto a nearby desk and Roy shrugged a shoulder, unbuckled the clasp on the front of Ed's shirt. "This is an important mission, Fullmetal," he said, holding Edward's arms (particularly his automail one) tightly as the boy struggled, "You're not going to screw it up by acting immature."

Edward growled in frustration, trying to yank his arms free and effectively stopping Roy from pulling his arms out of the sleeves of his over shirt. "I'm not being immature!" he snapped, suddenly kicking Roy's feet out from under him.

He hadn't counted on Roy taking him down, too. So the blonde was shocked, to say the least, when he landed sprawled on top of the Colonel. Face turning pink, burning his cheeks and the bridge of his nose, Edward tried to push himself up, deterred by Roy's hands on his arms.

"Let go!" Ed yelled, pulling with all his strength to get out of Roy's insistent grasp.

"Alright," Roy said, letting go.

Edward fell backwards, nailing his head on the floor, but at least he was free. He muttered obscenities as he rolled over, pushing himself up to his hands and knees, but Roy suddenly reached around him and grabbed his wrists, pulling them behind his back. Edward yelped, unbalanced, and slipped forward, smacking his chin against the floor.

Roy winced, but proceeded to pull off Ed's shirt none the less, straddling the boy's waist from behind. "Sorry, Fullmetal, but I told you," he said, tugging the black tank top free of Ed's pants, now.

Enraged, his arms free once more, Edward pressed his palms against the floor and shoved himself up to his knees again. He tried to stand up, but Roy's chest flush against his back prevented him from doing so. "Get off me, you sick son of a bitch," Ed snarled, face turning scarlet when he felt Roy's quick hands undoing his belt. He grabbed at the Colonel's hands, but Roy had already tossed the belt aside and was jerking his tank top off over his head.

Half stripped in the office floor with Roy leaning over him, Edward felt his face burning with embarrassment and, without really thinking about it, jerked his head backwards. The back of his skull crashed into Roy's face. Roy's hand flew to his nose and he backed off; Edward scrambled out from under him, rushing to his feet as Roy did the same.

Ed turned around, shouting, "Ha!" but said laugh of triumph was muffled by the dress shoved on over his head. Roy smirked, somehow managing to pull Edward's arms through the dress and straiten it down the teen's slender body.

"You don't look half bad, Ed," Roy complimented mockingly, tugging Ed's braid out of the neck of the dress.

The blonde had stopped movement all together, but he shook uncontrollably, face matching the dress he now wore. Blue eyes slightly wide, glancing at the clock, Havoc held his hand out to Breda, muttering, "Told you."

Hawkeye shook her head and walked away.

-x-

(A/n) Random Ed in a dress brought to you by all those Japanese fanartists whole just LOVE drawing Ed... in a dress. xD

-Motcn


	14. Uniform

-x-

Uniform

-x-

Muffled curses and swears could be heard through the door of Colonel Mustang's private office, accompanied by the obvious sounds of a struggle.

Roy sighed, glancing across the main office as he straightened his uniform. "Having trouble, Fullmetal?" he inquired, trying not to look _too_ smug at the loud, "_Fuck you!_" he received in reply. He could hear the growl of frustration from where he stood on the other side of the empty office. Hawkeye, Fuery, Breda, and Havoc had already left for the assembly and Roy had remained behind to wait for Edward to slip into his own military uniform.

'Slipped'...wouldn't really be a good way to put it, though.

The commotion reaching Roy's ears proved that Edward was, indeed, having trouble with the complicated uniform. Roy, of course -- being the smug Colonel Bastard that he was -- couldn't pass up the opportunity to ruffle the short, blonde alchemist's feathers.

"Tell me, Fullmetal, how long have you been dressing by yourself?"

There was dull _thunk_, which Roy knew was Ed venting anger out on his poor desk, followed closely by another, "Fuck you! I've never put one of these on before. No wonder you're such a bastard all the time, it's confusing, and uncomfortable, and itchy, and --"

"Probably too big," Roy guessed quietly, noting the slight distraught tone in Edward's frustrated voice.

"-- Way too fucking big!" the blonde finished vehemently from the other side of the door. There was a small pause, Roy bit down on his bottom lip to keep from laughing, then a quiet mumble from Edward, "I… I'm not going."

Roy frowned, eyes narrowed at the door. "Fullmetal," he warned, already moving towards the door.

"I'm not going!" Edward snapped; Roy heard the lock click into place just as he reached the door. "No one's going to notice if I go to the stupid thing, anyway -- AND NO, IT'S _NOT_ BECAUSE I'M SO SMALL I COULD BE MISTAKEN FOR A SPECK OF DUST!" the boy finished angrily.

"Fullmetal, come out here, now," Roy said, choosing to ignore the spazz and thumping his fist against the door. If he had to kick it in to get Ed out things were not going to be pretty... "You're going to this whether that uniform fits or not. You won't have it on for very long."

"No, goddammit, I said no! _No!_"

Roy heaved a sighed and took a step back. The flimsy door shot open when he kicked it, and Roy was pleased to see Edward jump and scrambled across the room away from the door. The blonde's clothes had been tossed carelessly across the back of the leather couch, and Edward himself stood on the other side of it. Despite the seriously pissed, frustrated look on his face, and the disarray of his uniform, Edward still managed to look adorable.

"The uniform makes you look older," the Colonel commented lightly, crossing the room with a smirk.

Edward growled angrily, teeth bared in a snarl. _"It does not,"_ he hissed, waving his arms out for Roy to see that the sleeves hung over his hands by a few good inches. Just enough to make the older Elric have an all out, flailing limbs, conniption fit. "The sleeves are way too long; the pant legs cover up my stupid boots. I can't get this _damn _thing on right, it looks _wrong_, and I'm not fucking _going _looking like I've been shrunken in the wash!"

He screamed the last part loudest and, in his anger, had failed to notice Roy had come so close. Edward twitched, shifting his gaze up to Roy's face -- he _had_ grown a scant inch or so since reaching the age of 17, but was still a full head shorter than Roy, the top of his head barely reaching Roy's chin.

"Don't you _dare_ say anything," Edward growled, suddenly self-conscious as Roy stared down at him.

An amused smirk tugged at Roy's lips and he leaned down in front of Edward, grasping the front of his disheveled uniform with both hands. Ed squirmed slightly as Roy straitened the uniform into place, years of experience behind every button and crease. He finished it quickly enough -- despite Edward's constant fidgeting and growing embarrassment at needing Roy to help -- then patted Ed's chest.

He turned his attention to Edward's sleeves next, rolling them up a little so that Edward's gloved hands could be seen, then tucking the short alchemist's pant legs into the slick, black military issued boots on Ed's feet, like they were supposed to be. _This is one of _Fuery's, _I can't believe it's so big on him,_ Roy thought skeptically, lacing up the boots again and taking great care not to say that particular thought out loud.

"Now, let's do something about your hair," the Colonel said, reaching up past Ed's shoulder to pull his braid free.

Edward scowled, however, and jerked away. "There's nothing wrong with --"

"It has to be _up_, Fullmetal," Roy sighed, grabbing Ed by the shoulders and spinning him around.

"I can do it, you know," Ed grumbled under his breath, glaring over his shoulder when Roy stood straight and pulled the tie out of his hair.

Shrugging a shoulder, Roy chose not to reply and loosed Edward's braid, gently working the tangles out of it with his ungloved fingers. Ed let out quiet a huff through his nose and turned back around, crossing his arms stiffly over his chest. Roy brushed his blonde hair back, letting his hands stray a little too long on the boy's neck as he pulled it up into a ponytail. Edward stared out the window behind the Colonel's desk, the foreign feeling of fingertips running through his hair, lightly brushing his skin, made him shudder.

Nothing was said until Roy had secured Edward's high ponytail with the tie. Edward took a step away and turned to glare up at the dark-haired man; Roy stared back, hands tucked into his pockets, now, then watched, amused, as Edward brushed by, trying to look dignified in the too-large uniform.

"Thanks, bastard. I'll have a headache with my hair up like this," he muttered, though there wasn't much bite to the comment.

Roy chuckled, followed Edward out of the office, then couldn't help but make a small crack about how Edward's normal attire dwarfed him in comparison to the military uniform.

-x-

(A/n) Love the fluff! Please review.

-Motcn


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